Money and Relationship Stress by Dr. Marvin
©
Clinical experience reflects that dealing with finances is a
primary cause of relationship stress for many couples. Family
finances can become a seemingly never-ending battleground because
money impacts our livelihood every day.
In general, it appears untrue that the number of financial
arguments decreases as income increases. Rather, less income often
reflects fewer financial arguments because there are fewer
decisions to argue about. Most of us would like to have more money
to experiment with this probability! Of course, not having an
"adequate" amount of money can be extremely problematic if basic
needs are threatened while poor communication and ineffective
problem solving are implemented.
Money often reflects the "tip of the iceberg" in marital
conflict. That is, marital strain can be connected with differing
philosophies about spending and saving and/or underlying issues of
power and control. For some, management of money does not become a
source of conflict until one spouse decides to become a dictator
over monetary decisions and hence, is viewed to be an impassable
gatekeeper. A typical emotional consequence for the shutout partner
is resentment. Then, depending on the resentful partner's anger
management strategy, you can imagine all sorts of unpleasant
trickle-down reactions.
Another common scenario involves one partner feeling controlled
or inferior because he/she makes less money or no money. This
conflict intensifies if the other partner places money as the
highest value, while ignoring or downplaying the significance of
other assets (e.g., primary child caretaker) that the
"non-breadwinner" brings to the relationship. One of the problems
with expecting a 50-50 money contribution is that, in general,
females are paid less than males. A common "fair solution" often
reflects an agreement of "You bring in the money and I'll
manage it by paying the bills and balancing the checkbook."
Problems often arise however if the couple did not consider each
partner's expectations and values (often later revealed by such
anger-laced comments as, "I can't believe you would spend my
hard earned cash on such ugly dishes. What was wrong with the one's
we had? I thought that we were saving for my Harley!"
The addition of children forces a couple to make many
adjustments. The child becomes the focus of attention, softball
leagues have to be dropped because of time requirements, and
additional money choices have to be made. Peer pressure exists for
parents as well! For example, have you ever felt guilty because you
did not place a certain sum of money into a college savings account
when your child was four months old? Avoid (at all costs!) money
arguments in front of your children because children tend to feel
responsible and blame themselves as well as perceive themselves as
an obstacle to the experience of family joy.
If you and your partner have not talked about money beliefs and
values, you might find yourselves in frequent conflict over this
issue. However, effective communication and resolution can still
occur. As always, you may contact me for an appointment to address
this area.
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