Kids and Divorced Parents by Dr. Marvin
©
With rates of
divorce at around 60%, it is obvious that many kids have parents
who are no longer together. Regardless, the crucial task of
parenting remains with the parents.Unfortunately, some parents use
issues of visitation and/or custody to prolong their relationship
battle. Conscious or less-than-conscious bitter interactive styles
with an ex-spouse can be damaging to the child as well as the
parent-child relationship. The following suggestions could be
helpful if you are going through visitation/custody hassles with
your ex-spouse or if you are involved with or know someone (e.g.,
friend or relative) who is going through the experience.
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Never discuss child support
with the children. Hearing such, the child may try to take on the
responsibility of being mediator--a role that is inappropriate and
highly stressful.
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Never degrade your ex in front
of your child. This includes the telephone--do not assume that your
child is not listening or cannot hear you. If you talk about how
bad a person your ex is, it is natural for a child to conclude that
he /she must also be bad since they came from that stock! Degrading
an ex usually backfires. Let your children draw their own
conclusion about the character of your ex.
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Attempt to work together
on decisions involving the child.
Children
often become confused when each parent has a different set of rules
and expectations.
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Try to be
similar with your ex. Recognize that if you are balking at becoming
congruent with your ex or are unwilling to compromise, you might
have unresolved power/control issues that are actually distressful
to your child.
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It is best
for both parents to attend school and sports activities. It
communicates your involvement with the child/emotional investment.
If your work schedule precludes you from going, make sure you
communicate your wish to have been able to be there. Follow up with
your child about what you missed (e.g., "Tell me all about your
piano recital!").
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Both
parents should be involved with disciplinary
problems.
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Address
your upcoming marriage with your child. Such a big change
represents the need for a big adjustment. Don't expect the child to
call your new spouse "mom" or "dad" right away. The child may feel
like he/she is betraying their natural parent. Of course, way
before the thought of marriage arises, it is important to be
sensitive about bringing your new "friend" over around your kids.
Reactions include anger and grief ("I guess this means my
parents are not getting back together.") and worry ("Dad's
got a girlfriend, but mom is suffering in her
loneliness.")
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Enlist the
assistance of your ex if the child needs a ride to a friend's house
or to a doctor's appointment. Making it difficult for your ex might
be punishing to your child.
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One parent
should not move to the other side of the county, if at all
possible. Doing so often leaves the child with the impression that
the moved parent didn't place him/her as a
priority.
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Children
often blame themselves for the divorce, but do not tend to voice
this to their parents. Whether or not your child verbalizes
self-blame, provide reassurance that the divorce was not your
child's fault.
Do not hesitate to
contact me for consultation if you recognize difficulty with any of
the above items.
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