Communicating in Relationships by Dr. Marvin
©
After starting a conversation with your "significant other," do
you often feel any of the following?
- Disappointed
- Frustrated
- Angry
- Confused
Where do these feelings come from? Perhaps the reason is that
communication occurs on two levels.
LEVEL 1:
What you are talking about
This level involves the subject matter -- the
content of your conversation. For example, you
might be talking about finances, the weather, or vacation plans.
This level seems obvious (if you are listening!). If it seems easy
to understand what Level 1refers to, how come you get into
arguments about "silly, little, inconsequential things" and then
feel some of the words listed above?
Possible answers:
- My significant other has an extreme personality disorder.
- I have an extreme personality disorder.
- I don't watch Oprah enough.
- I don't pay attention to how we are communicating.
Let's hope that the correct answer is #4, which I'll refer to as
Level 2.
LEVEL 2:
What is occurring when you and whomever are
conversing.
Communication is a
process. Are you thinking about something
other than the topic that your partner is trying to discuss? Are
you really listening to your partner or are your eyes glued to the
TV screen? Are you inadvertently (or purposely) communicating that
an athletic contest is more important than your partner?
Relationship counseling (AKA: couples/marital/conjoint
counseling) addresses these process dynamics. Tension in
relationships often results not from the topic of the conversation
(i.e. Level 1), but rather, how things are said and your style of
communication (i.e. Level 2). Typical patterns include:
- PASSIVE: Do you stay quiet to avoid an
argument because it is better to "keep my mouth shut and minimize
my losses?"
- PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE: Do you make excuses,
procrastinate, &/or appear victimized?
- AGGRESSIVE: Do you present yourself as a
ballistic, loud, "about to lose control" cursing sort of
person?
- ASSERTIVE: Do you speak up for yourself in a
respectful manner without stepping on your partner's toes?
Give me a call at 858.565-0066, x4
if you would like to address how communication can enhance your
relationships.
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